Most of what you see on Instagram is expensive pee. I mean that literally. You are paying $60 a month to filter neon-yellow Riboflavin through your kidneys because some influencer with a ring light told you it changed her life. It didn’t. She’s just well-lit and probably has better genetics than you.
The morning I puked outside the Fullerton station
It was October 2019. I was living in a drafty apartment in Chicago and had convinced myself that I could “optimize” my way out of a stressful job. I bought into the whole biohacking thing. I was taking 14 different pills every morning. One Tuesday, I took a high-dose zinc supplement on an empty stomach before my commute. About halfway through the train ride, my stomach started doing backflips. I barely made it off the Red Line before I ended up puking into a trash can right outside the station. It was humiliating. People thought I was hungover at 8:30 AM on a Tuesday, but I was just a girl trying to be “healthy.” I threw the bottle of zinc in the same trash can. Total waste of money.
What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. We try to supplement our way out of bad habits. I was sleeping four hours a night and drinking three shots of espresso before noon, thinking a B-complex would fix my fatigue. It’s like trying to fix a pothole with a piece of chewing gum. It doesn’t work. Anyway, I’ve spent the last four years actually tracking my blood work and narrowing it down to what actually moves the needle. Most of it is boring.
The only three things that actually do anything
I know people will disagree, but you probably don’t need a multivitamin. If you eat a vegetable once in a while, you’re fine. But there are three things that I think are non-negotiable for most women I know.
- Magnesium Glycinate: This is the goat. I tracked my sleep using an Oura ring for 90 days. My “Deep Sleep” went from an average of 42 minutes to 78 minutes just by adding 300mg of this before bed. Don’t buy Magnesium Oxide; it’s a laxative. Unless that’s what you’re looking for.
- Vitamin D3 + K2: I might be wrong about this, but I think the RDA (Recommended Dietary Allowance) is a joke. The official guidelines say 600 IU. My levels were at 22 ng/mL—clinically deficient—until I started taking 5,000 IU daily. My mood stabilized within a month.
- Iron (Ferrochel): Most women are iron deficient and don’t know it. I tracked my ferritin levels for 6 months. It went from a 12, which is basically dead, to a 45. I stopped losing clumps of hair in the shower.
I refuse to buy anything from Ritual. I know the branding is beautiful and the clear capsules look great on a nightstand, but the “mint tab” inside the bottle makes the pills taste like toothpaste-covered dirt. I’d rather buy a dusty bottle of Now Foods from a health food store that looks like it was designed in Microsoft Word 95.
Why I have a personal vendetta against gummies
I hate gummy vitamins. If you are over the age of 12 and you are “taking your vitamins” via a sugar-coated bear, you aren’t serious. It is candy. The dosages are wildly inconsistent because manufacturers have to prioritize the texture of the pectin over the stability of the nutrients. Plus, they’re usually loaded with glucose syrup. Grow up and swallow a capsule. It takes two seconds. Never again.
Wait, I just realized I forgot to mention Zinc. Actually, never mind, Zinc is boring and it makes me nauseous anyway. I think we over-complicate the immune system stuff. Just eat an orange and wash your hands.
The blood work doesn’t lie
If you aren’t getting your blood tested, you’re just guessing. You’re throwing darts at a board in a dark room. I spent $140 on a private lab panel last year (I used InsideTracker, which is overpriced but the UI is nice) and found out I was actually over-supplementing on B12. My levels were off the charts. I was literally poisoning myself with “wellness.”
The supplement industry is a hall of mirrors. They want you to think you’re broken so they can sell you the fix. But most of the time, you just need a steak and a nap. I still take my Magnesium every night, though. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like a functional human being instead of a vibrating nerve ending.
Does anyone actually feel better on Ashwagandha, or are we all just gaslighting ourselves into thinking we’re less stressed?
